I will never forget pulling out of that driveway, crying me eyes out. Jesus, even now I have no control over my emotions. It was truly heartbreaking and I hope that no one ever has to deal with that. When you have an animal since the day it was born and formed a true bond with and have been with for almost 10 years, it will hurt you like nothing else ever has knowing that you are forced to leave them. To this day I wonder if they (Matt and Gabriel) thought we stopped loving them and left them behind? Matt and I had a really good bond. He was like a little brother. I always watched out for him and stayed with him. And Gabriel and I were also really close. There was a time where he disappeared for a week and it was the worst week of my life. I cried every single day, several times a day because of how distraught I was. He did come back, which was a total surprise and ever since then, he and I just clicked. I wonder if they hate us now, especially me. I was always there for them, but there I went, driving away.
Mom had to call animal control and see if they could catch them. They would not take them to my grandparent’s house which was only a mile away. They said that protocol was putting them to sleep due to lack of funds and space. Being told that while driving across country really did not help. Of course I started to cry even more about it, which is not safe when you’re the one driving.
It is so hard dealing with the thoughts and the pain. I would have dreams about Matt and Gabe afterwards that were not pleasant. It is truly awful. I don’t know if they were captured or not. I wonder if they’re even alive. I wonder what their thoughts were and if I was in them. It makes me feel terrible, like it’s my fault. I wish that I could just go back and pet them one last time and tell them I love them.
Petey is now gone. He and Matt were really close, so when we had to leave Matt and Gabe behind, I told him that we would stick together since I was also really close to Matt, too. Petey stayed with me ever since. He followed me around and always slept with me. He recently would always sleep on my stereo, but it’s been vacant since he left. Now whenever I see a cat sitting up there, I think that Petey came back. Of course, he hasn’t.
Last night was just rough. I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking I would hear him outside. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awful it was to leave Matt and Gabriel behind. And now I wonder what would happen if I was given a chance to go back. Would it be different now?
Think what you will of me about this. I don’t care. For some reason, I am able to form better bonds with animals than I do with people. I don’t know why, but it’s something that I’m fine with.
I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I think that's what I need most of all now.
Matt, Petey, Gabriel
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