Lately, I’ve been feeling sad and melancholy. I want to go home and be with my friends. I want to go back to work at the zoo and be with everyone there. I was so excited about moving out here, but now that I’ve been here a while, I feel as though I don’t really belong. I miss familiarity and knowing what to expect. I thought I’d be able to handle this, and for the most part I have, but I for some reason just feel really disappointed…
I thought there would be more and I’d be able to get along with everyone and everything quickly and easily. I don’t really know if I’ve made any friends or not. I think I have, but it’s not like I’m going out and spending time with them or anything of the sort. I feel lonely and boring and just all around uninteresting. I wish there were things to do here, too. If you ever come out to visit the Farmington/Aztec area, don’t expect much of anything.
I really want to go to school. I’ve decided that I will major in archeology and have minors in anthropology and geography since they are incredibly fascinating to me. I believe that once I get started there, everything will turn out for the better and I’ll be ok. It’s pretty much too late to sign up for the spring semester, but I can sign up for the fall. I need to talk to a counselor to figure out what exactly I need to do to get started.
Things will get better I’m sure. I just need to be a little more patient.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Scars Are Telling Features
So I found an outline of the human body today and decided to draw in all of the scars that I know I have. It was interesting and each scar has a story, except for one. I will post the pic and tell you all about how I procured them.
So I will start with the front on the hand. On my thumb I have a scar that's about 1/4" long. I got that from working at the Book Gallery when one of the plastic signs fell and I tried to catch it. Apparently blunt plastic is really sharp, because that bitch cut me deep and I was bleeding a lot. But of course, I continued helping the guests even though there was blood running down my wrist. I'm a champ, I know.
On the back of my right hand at the wrist is a small, tiny scar. That one and the one on the elbow came from the same thing. Corey, myself and a friend were driving down to GA for a convention and I was recording the trip. I was sitting in the back of a shitty Ford Focus (2 doors) and was trying to climb out of the car so I could walk around while Corey got gas. Of course, I tripped. Landed on the back of my hand with camera still in tact because if I broke it, I would be done for. Good news, I saved the camera from being demolished. Bad news, but could be good, I got two scars from it and I'm sure a lot of people saw it and laughed their asses off. Good times, but not really.
The scar above my left eye, which I now realized I drew it over the wrong eye in the picture, was from when I was a little kid. My brother was putting me through an "army commando boot camp". This particular obstacle course I had to run, jump on a trampoline and touch the top of the swing set. Well, since we lived in the boonies, there were a shit ton of rocks everywhere. Needless to say, when I was running as fast as my little legs would let me, I found one of those nice big, sharp rocks with my face when I tripped. The screaming was incredibly high pitched that I'm sure my grandparents who lived a mile away could hear them. After realizing how much blood was pouring out of my head, I ran inside screaming and crying. I don't really remember much after that, though. I did not go to a doctor or anything to get stitches. I think all I got was a wet washcloth. Knowing my parents, they probably told me to rub some dirt in it and that it will put hair on my chest.
The one on my chin was from my grandparents house. Their house had a long staircase that led to the basement. I was probably about 4 or 5 when this happened, by the way. I thought I was a superhero and could fly. I thought wrong. I jumped down the stairs from the very top thinking that I would just gracefully float through the door and into the basement. Instead, I landed halfway on my chin going down the stairs, hitting every step with my face. I must have been a bleeder then because I remember there being a ton of blood. And of course, no hospital visit. It was once again a wet washcloth and a pat on the back.
Now the one above my right knee is a mystery. I've had it ever since I could remember and no one knows how I got it. I showed it to mom a couple days ago and she said she's never seen or noticed it. It's a long scar, too. Maybe 3"-4" long going straight across my leg above the knee. I wish I knew how I got that.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. It was a lot of fun reminiscing over how naive I was as a child.
On the back of my right hand at the wrist is a small, tiny scar. That one and the one on the elbow came from the same thing. Corey, myself and a friend were driving down to GA for a convention and I was recording the trip. I was sitting in the back of a shitty Ford Focus (2 doors) and was trying to climb out of the car so I could walk around while Corey got gas. Of course, I tripped. Landed on the back of my hand with camera still in tact because if I broke it, I would be done for. Good news, I saved the camera from being demolished. Bad news, but could be good, I got two scars from it and I'm sure a lot of people saw it and laughed their asses off. Good times, but not really.
The scar above my left eye, which I now realized I drew it over the wrong eye in the picture, was from when I was a little kid. My brother was putting me through an "army commando boot camp". This particular obstacle course I had to run, jump on a trampoline and touch the top of the swing set. Well, since we lived in the boonies, there were a shit ton of rocks everywhere. Needless to say, when I was running as fast as my little legs would let me, I found one of those nice big, sharp rocks with my face when I tripped. The screaming was incredibly high pitched that I'm sure my grandparents who lived a mile away could hear them. After realizing how much blood was pouring out of my head, I ran inside screaming and crying. I don't really remember much after that, though. I did not go to a doctor or anything to get stitches. I think all I got was a wet washcloth. Knowing my parents, they probably told me to rub some dirt in it and that it will put hair on my chest.
The one on my chin was from my grandparents house. Their house had a long staircase that led to the basement. I was probably about 4 or 5 when this happened, by the way. I thought I was a superhero and could fly. I thought wrong. I jumped down the stairs from the very top thinking that I would just gracefully float through the door and into the basement. Instead, I landed halfway on my chin going down the stairs, hitting every step with my face. I must have been a bleeder then because I remember there being a ton of blood. And of course, no hospital visit. It was once again a wet washcloth and a pat on the back.
Now the one above my right knee is a mystery. I've had it ever since I could remember and no one knows how I got it. I showed it to mom a couple days ago and she said she's never seen or noticed it. It's a long scar, too. Maybe 3"-4" long going straight across my leg above the knee. I wish I knew how I got that.
I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it. It was a lot of fun reminiscing over how naive I was as a child.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
What A Heron Taught Me
The past couple of days have been a bit off. I was out of sorts and not feeling like my usual self. I had plenty of time to think about things happening in my life and to make decisions on what was important at the time. Today I went to the park. It was really pretty today, the right temperature with vivid, blue skies and plenty of sun. The leaves were all yellow and that’s something that I love to see. I was walking on the path beside the river when I stumbled upon an older couple looking out into the water. I followed their gaze and saw what they were watching.
It was a blue heron standing in the river catching fish. I’ve never seen anything like that before, so I stood there for several minutes watching. I’m sure the heron was aware that we were there staring, but it continued to stand there patiently waiting for the right moment to plunge it’s head into the river to catch a fish. It was absolutely amazing and something that I won’t forget. As simple as it was, it was completely complex and it held a lot of truth and meaning.
I walked a little further down the river to where my parents were. Dad was sitting next to it looking at all of the rocks on the ground. Mom went exploring some and I followed her. There was another spot that we found where we could watch the heron. This time, the heron was flapping it’s wings and jumping in different areas of the river while trying to catch it’s food. The heron wasn’t as patient this time. From what I watched, he was not able to catch anything. If you have ever watched wildlife, then you know that it is an experience and can learn something. The heron taught me to be calm and wait for things to come on their own. The timing will be perfect when it does and in the end everything will be ok. I shouldn’t go about trying to make things happen because that will just push it away. Who knew that a heron could teach you so much and make you realize what you need to know at the time?
After watching the heron, I went back over to my dad. He was now throwing rocks into the river trying to hit the leaves as they floated by. I laughed at him for being childish, but of course I joined in after. To do something as simple as that is truly refreshing. Next time you have an opportunity, go to the river and try to hit the leaves. No matter the mood you are in, you will feel better.
It feels good to be able to let go once in a while. To do something silly and childish like throwing rocks is revitalizing. From the discomfort from physical pain I’ve been dealing with and just being in a pissy mood, this was relaxing and exactly what I needed. Should you ever feel angry or upset, go outside and explore. You’ll find things that will help you and somehow, in one way or another, you will learn something that at the time you need to know.
It was a blue heron standing in the river catching fish. I’ve never seen anything like that before, so I stood there for several minutes watching. I’m sure the heron was aware that we were there staring, but it continued to stand there patiently waiting for the right moment to plunge it’s head into the river to catch a fish. It was absolutely amazing and something that I won’t forget. As simple as it was, it was completely complex and it held a lot of truth and meaning.
I walked a little further down the river to where my parents were. Dad was sitting next to it looking at all of the rocks on the ground. Mom went exploring some and I followed her. There was another spot that we found where we could watch the heron. This time, the heron was flapping it’s wings and jumping in different areas of the river while trying to catch it’s food. The heron wasn’t as patient this time. From what I watched, he was not able to catch anything. If you have ever watched wildlife, then you know that it is an experience and can learn something. The heron taught me to be calm and wait for things to come on their own. The timing will be perfect when it does and in the end everything will be ok. I shouldn’t go about trying to make things happen because that will just push it away. Who knew that a heron could teach you so much and make you realize what you need to know at the time?
After watching the heron, I went back over to my dad. He was now throwing rocks into the river trying to hit the leaves as they floated by. I laughed at him for being childish, but of course I joined in after. To do something as simple as that is truly refreshing. Next time you have an opportunity, go to the river and try to hit the leaves. No matter the mood you are in, you will feel better.
It feels good to be able to let go once in a while. To do something silly and childish like throwing rocks is revitalizing. From the discomfort from physical pain I’ve been dealing with and just being in a pissy mood, this was relaxing and exactly what I needed. Should you ever feel angry or upset, go outside and explore. You’ll find things that will help you and somehow, in one way or another, you will learn something that at the time you need to know.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
It's Never Easy
I am feeling melancholy today. It’s never easy to deal with a loss of a pet. Once again, I am faced with this. I wonder if it was not bad enough the day I moved and with what I dealt with then that I now have to go through it again so soon. I could not stop thinking about that day all night last night. I thought I had accepted it. I’m stupid to have thought that.
I will never forget pulling out of that driveway, crying me eyes out. Jesus, even now I have no control over my emotions. It was truly heartbreaking and I hope that no one ever has to deal with that. When you have an animal since the day it was born and formed a true bond with and have been with for almost 10 years, it will hurt you like nothing else ever has knowing that you are forced to leave them. To this day I wonder if they (Matt and Gabriel) thought we stopped loving them and left them behind? Matt and I had a really good bond. He was like a little brother. I always watched out for him and stayed with him. And Gabriel and I were also really close. There was a time where he disappeared for a week and it was the worst week of my life. I cried every single day, several times a day because of how distraught I was. He did come back, which was a total surprise and ever since then, he and I just clicked. I wonder if they hate us now, especially me. I was always there for them, but there I went, driving away.
Mom had to call animal control and see if they could catch them. They would not take them to my grandparent’s house which was only a mile away. They said that protocol was putting them to sleep due to lack of funds and space. Being told that while driving across country really did not help. Of course I started to cry even more about it, which is not safe when you’re the one driving.
It is so hard dealing with the thoughts and the pain. I would have dreams about Matt and Gabe afterwards that were not pleasant. It is truly awful. I don’t know if they were captured or not. I wonder if they’re even alive. I wonder what their thoughts were and if I was in them. It makes me feel terrible, like it’s my fault. I wish that I could just go back and pet them one last time and tell them I love them.
Petey is now gone. He and Matt were really close, so when we had to leave Matt and Gabe behind, I told him that we would stick together since I was also really close to Matt, too. Petey stayed with me ever since. He followed me around and always slept with me. He recently would always sleep on my stereo, but it’s been vacant since he left. Now whenever I see a cat sitting up there, I think that Petey came back. Of course, he hasn’t.
Last night was just rough. I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking I would hear him outside. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awful it was to leave Matt and Gabriel behind. And now I wonder what would happen if I was given a chance to go back. Would it be different now?
Think what you will of me about this. I don’t care. For some reason, I am able to form better bonds with animals than I do with people. I don’t know why, but it’s something that I’m fine with.
I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I think that's what I need most of all now.
I will never forget pulling out of that driveway, crying me eyes out. Jesus, even now I have no control over my emotions. It was truly heartbreaking and I hope that no one ever has to deal with that. When you have an animal since the day it was born and formed a true bond with and have been with for almost 10 years, it will hurt you like nothing else ever has knowing that you are forced to leave them. To this day I wonder if they (Matt and Gabriel) thought we stopped loving them and left them behind? Matt and I had a really good bond. He was like a little brother. I always watched out for him and stayed with him. And Gabriel and I were also really close. There was a time where he disappeared for a week and it was the worst week of my life. I cried every single day, several times a day because of how distraught I was. He did come back, which was a total surprise and ever since then, he and I just clicked. I wonder if they hate us now, especially me. I was always there for them, but there I went, driving away.
Mom had to call animal control and see if they could catch them. They would not take them to my grandparent’s house which was only a mile away. They said that protocol was putting them to sleep due to lack of funds and space. Being told that while driving across country really did not help. Of course I started to cry even more about it, which is not safe when you’re the one driving.
It is so hard dealing with the thoughts and the pain. I would have dreams about Matt and Gabe afterwards that were not pleasant. It is truly awful. I don’t know if they were captured or not. I wonder if they’re even alive. I wonder what their thoughts were and if I was in them. It makes me feel terrible, like it’s my fault. I wish that I could just go back and pet them one last time and tell them I love them.
Petey is now gone. He and Matt were really close, so when we had to leave Matt and Gabe behind, I told him that we would stick together since I was also really close to Matt, too. Petey stayed with me ever since. He followed me around and always slept with me. He recently would always sleep on my stereo, but it’s been vacant since he left. Now whenever I see a cat sitting up there, I think that Petey came back. Of course, he hasn’t.
Last night was just rough. I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking I would hear him outside. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awful it was to leave Matt and Gabriel behind. And now I wonder what would happen if I was given a chance to go back. Would it be different now?
Think what you will of me about this. I don’t care. For some reason, I am able to form better bonds with animals than I do with people. I don’t know why, but it’s something that I’m fine with.
I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I think that's what I need most of all now.
Matt, Petey, Gabriel
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